I Know I Can Do It All, But I Don't Want To

This all started with a hospital visit a few weeks ago. I was unwell and far from my hometown. My local friends were out of town, and I had to go to the clinic by myself. We hear glorified narratives about doing things alone, enjoying our own company. I like my alone time, too. But those independent stories fall short when you are sick. It was an eye issue, so I could not even cry, which felt very ironic. I was terrified, but I kept making up reasons for my fear. I told myself I was afraid of the physical pain. I worried the doctor might judge me. But I was just in denial. The simple truth was that I did not want to be alone.

I got better, but the thought stayed with me. Loneliness is usually very quiet. You can be lonely for days and feel fine as you go through your routine. But realizing it is a sudden hit. It happens in perfectly ordinary moments. It is cooking dinner and there’s no one to share the experience of how amazing the food smells or tastes. It is finishing a great movie or series episode and having no one to discuss the ending with. It is being all capable of doing things by yourself but don’t want to sometimes. I keep telling my best friend this: "I know I can do it all, but I don’t want to."

I wanted to know why that sudden realization hurts, so instead of doomscrolling I scrolled the web (productive, eh?). Our brain processes social isolation using the exact same pathways that process physical injury. To our brains, being alone when we need people is a survival warning. The realization of loneliness is literally a biological signal. We try to mask this need with labels. We call ourselves introverts to explain why we stay in on a Friday night and nothing’s wrong about it. However, the need to belong is a fundamental human motivation that drives our behavior just as much as the need for food or water (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Irrespective of your personality type, your brain requires human connection to feel safe. This is why we cannot easily self-soothe or do it 100% of the time on our own. Connection often regulates more than isolation, which is why we feel better after a simple text, a hug, a call, or just being loved. Psychology points to the concept of co-regulation, where simply holding someone's hand decreases the brain's threat response (Coan et al., 2006). When we are stressed, our bodies instinctively look for another human to help calm us down.

We often confuse being alone with being lonely, but researchers point out a clear difference. Solitude is choosing to be geographically isolated, while loneliness is the painful perception that you are disconnected and unimportant to others (Rokach, 2025). You can be completely surrounded by people and still feel lonely. This feeling is a modern reality across every demographic. We often assume loneliness mostly affects the elderly, but recent data shows the opposite. Nearly half of all young adults aged 18 to 24 report feeling lonely, compared to just 30% of those 55 and older (Abdalla et al., 2026). Interestingly, despite living in a techno-savvy, connected world where reaching out is easier and cheaper than ever before, metropolitan residents report much higher levels of loneliness than rural ones. It also lives in how we work today. A quarter of remote workers experience daily loneliness, which is significantly higher than on-site workers (Gallup, 2024).

I often think being lonely hurts less than the realization of being lonely. It is like getting a small cut on your finger. You go about your day perfectly fine, but the second you notice it, the pain suddenly hits. Because this biological and social lack is so strong, we naturally go through three stages to deal with that realization. First, we go into denial. We make up excuses and tell ourselves we are just focusing on our goals. Then comes aggression. When the denial stops working, the pain registers and makes us irritable. We get annoyed at small things, snap at a friend who replies late, or push people away. It is a quiet anger that hides how vulnerable we feel. Finally, there is acceptance. One day, you stop fighting the signal. You sit in your room and think, "I am lonely right now, and that is okay." When you stop fighting it, the sharp pain turns into a softer feeling.

Psychology has multiple perspectives on why we spend time by ourselves. The experience of solitude is universal, but it has different faces depending on whether it is chosen or forced. Researchers note that humans actually require healthy solitude for quiet contemplation, creative thinking, and a break from daily stress (Coplan et al., 2021). The problem today is that we often interrupt our physical solitude with digital noise. A recent study found that heavy smartphone and social media use during alone time actually disrupts the positive psychological benefits of solitude (Thomas et al., 2021). We passively scroll through our phones to avoid feeling lonely, but the constant online presence makes it harder to regulate our mood. We end up neither truly connected nor getting the rest that genuine solitude provides.

Feeling lonely in a waiting room, at your workplace, in your kitchen, or anywhere for that matter does not mean something is wrong with you. It just means your nervous system is working exactly as it should. You are human, and you are wired to need people. Finding it difficult to realize you are lonely is completely normal too. Knowing that everyone else feels this quiet realization eventually makes it a little easier to handle.

So, the next time you feel this way, remind yourself: You can do it all, but you don't have to do it all alone. Reach out! :)

References

Abdalla, S. M., Banda, B., Galea, S., et al. (2026). Loneliness, depression, and generalized anxiety across eight countries. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology.

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497

Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2006.01832.x

Coplan, R. J., Bowker, J. C., & Nelson, L. J. (2021). Alone again: Revisiting psychological perspectives on solitude. In R. J. Coplan, J. C. Bowker, & L. J. Nelson (Eds.), The handbook of solitude: Psychological perspectives on social isolation, social withdrawal, and being alone (2nd ed., pp. 3–12). Wiley Blackwell.

Gallup. (2024). State of the global workplace: 2024 report. Gallup, Inc. https://www.gallup.com/workplace/349484/state-of-the-global-workplace.aspx

Rokach, A. (2025). Loneliness or solitude: How are they different? OBM Neurobiology, 9(3). https://doi.org/10.21926/obm.neurobiol.2503297

Thomas, V., Balzer Carr, B., Azmitia, M., & Whittaker, S. (2021). Alone and online: Understanding the relationships between social media, solitude, and psychological adjustment. Psychology of Popular Media, 10(2), 201–210.