Nicknames We Give
I was working on my friend’s birthday surprise with his sibling and I realized something. I rarely call the people I love by their actual names. I had to use his actual name so much while talking to his sibling, and it made me pause and try to remember the last time I actually called him by his official name. I’ve given people so many different nicknames over the years. Much like a list in Python, this collection is highly mutable.
If you scroll through my phone, you won't find formal first and last names. Instead, you'll find a bunch of inside jokes. You will find words that make absolutely zero sense to anyone outside the tiny universe I share with that specific person. Of course, formal names are saved formally! (Why would I give a nickname to the family doctor or a distant relative?) And obviously, we all have nicknames for the people we dislike (again, a distant relative, an annoying acquaintance, etc.). You wouldn't necessarily save those in your phone, but you carry the feeling around with you, haha.
I used to be incredibly possessive about these private words. Remember how Aditi gets so angry when someone else calls Jai 'Rats' in Jaane Tu... Ya Jaane Na? That was exactly me. I guess it was my way of being furiously protective back in childhood, hehe.
It is funny how many stupid things we do over time. I am pretty sure I will have many such realizations a few years from now about the things I do today. We all will. But looking back, that childhood possessiveness came from a very real, very instinctive place. I didn't just want to protect a word. I wanted to protect us.
Giving someone a nickname is so thoughtful. You are saying, The version of you that exists right here, in this exact dynamic with me, needs its own title. It belongs to just the two of you. (Probably, so far, my brother has gotten the most nicknames from me and definitely the weirdest, but now he is used to them. He doesn't really have a choice though, haha.)
When you spend your days thinking about semantics and how language works, you realize words are never truly static. (Sorry, the linguist in me is by default thinking and connecting everything back to my research topic!.) The same is true for the names we give each other. We take random words, assign new roles and new emotional weights to them, creating a meaning that only exists when the two of us are in the room.
There is actual science backing up this warm, fuzzy feeling. Researchers who study interpersonal communication have consistently found a strong link between affectionate idioms and relationship satisfaction. When playful, affectionate communication is shared, it acts as a powerful mechanism to strengthen relational bonds (van Raalte et al., 2020). Using playfulness for bonding is a key predictor of how positive and secure a relationship feels (Hall, 2013). There is even evidence that the specific metaphors we use physically alter how we perceive the people we love, softening our worldview toward them (Christy et al., 2016). Every time you use that silly, made-up name, you aren't just communicating. You are actively maintaining a micro-culture built for two. (So cool, isn’t it?)
If you ever come across personal essays on Substack, especially in the slow living space, you will notice a beautiful, recurring theme. It is the quiet observation of the mundane. When we write about the tiny gestures, we are forced to slow down. We actually notice them. We remember that the grandest forms of love are rarely found in cinematic declarations. Instead, they are found in the kitchen. They are found in the long-distance text messages we send across time zones. They are in the strange little things that remind us of someone. Reading these unpolished, thoughtful reflections reminds us that our need to rename our loved ones is a universal reflex.
What It Says About Us
The names we give each other are mirrors. If I call you something soft, it is because you make me feel safe enough to be gentle. If I call you something slightly teasing, it is because I know our bond is sturdy enough to hold the weight of our playfulness. Sometimes, we ease out the tension and stress by calling each other nicknames from our favorite series and movies. That reminds me of how, when we are having our literally long, long-distance family video call and suddenly my grandma calls, my father announces that 'Trump is calling via the hotline.' Or how my brother, too, gives me the funniest possible nicknames (that nobody else is allowed to use in the family, hehe). It made me feel so special when my friend defended her viva and was assigned the title 'Dr.' In my phone and my mind, she had and always will have her nickname. So to the world, she might be the doctor, but to me, she is the same crazy, nonsense person.
Nicknames strip away the formalities of the outside world. To the university, you might be a researcher. To the world, you are a professional. But to the person who calls you by a name that sounds like total nonsense to a stranger? To them, you are entirely, unequivocally known.
We are all just walking around with the collections of names our loved ones have given us.
So the next time a silly, tender little name slips out of your mouth, pay attention to it. It is not just a word. It is a tiny, invisible string tying you to someone else. And in a world this big and fast, having a private name whispered just for you is a very gentle kind of magic.
If you are reading this, do you remember any of your nicknames? ;)
References
Christy, A. G., Hirsch, K. A., & Schlegel, R. J. (2016). Animal Magnetism: Metaphoric Cues Alter Perceptions of Romantic Partners and Relationships. PLOS ONE, 11.
Hall, J. A. (2013). Humor in Long-Term Romantic Relationships: The Association of General Humor Styles and Relationship-Specific Functions with Relationship Satisfaction. Western Journal of Communication, 77, 272–292.
van Raalte, L. J., Floyd, K., Kloeber, D., & Veluscek, A. M. (2021). Exploring the associations between unwanted affection, stress, and anxiety. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38, 524–543.
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