I Know I Can Do It All, But I Don't Want To
This all started with a hospital visit a few weeks ago. I was unwell and far from my hometown. My local friends were out of town, and I had to go to the clinic by myself. We hear glorified narratives about doing things alone, enjoying our own company. I like my alone time, too. But those independent stories fall short when you are sick. It was an eye issue, so I could not even cry, which felt very ironic. I was terrified, but I kept making up reasons for my fear. I told myself I was afraid of the physical pain. I worried the doctor might judge me. But I was just in denial. The simple truth was that I did not want to be alone. I got better, but the thought stayed with me. Loneliness is usually very quiet. Being lonely is a steady state. You can be lonely for days and feel fine as you go through your routine. But realizing it is a sudden hit. It happens in perfectly ordinary moments. It is cooking dinner and there’s no one to share the experience of how amazing the food smells or tastes....